Why I plan to commit suicide around February 2024 (date to be defined)
In the intellectual component:
First of all,it’s a lifestyle choice. When I finished my studies and military service, there was talk that the pension system would disappear when I got old enough. I had three options: hope that retirement lasts, capitalize, not worry about it knowing that you can always (almost) end your life. I chose the latter which allowed me to go quietly to Portugal then to Mexico as a volunteer (initially not contributing to the pension fund).
Then, it is for me (= in my opinion and in my case) a (salvation) consequence of being a non-adapted, and more precisely in my case, an explorer. Indeed, one of the attributes of the unstable is a short lifespan due, for humans, to physical, mental, social or… handicap. A discomfort which the subject may want to stop even at the cost of their life .
And then today I experience it as a sort of warrior’s rest. Once I wanted to sleep the less possible to live more (in terms of time). And I realized that this was not the right way, because then fatigue substantially reduces the quality and intensity of the experience. In the present case the fatigue increases with old age which, in my case, really diminishes the quality of my earthly life, on a physical level (loss of near vision…) ,intellectual (loss of the little memory that I have) and social (I prefer to be alone).
Finally, probably through vocational habit, I aspire to discover the beyond. By analogy with the game, I had fun at level 2 (level 1 is fetal life), if there is a level 3 how would it be. With dinner, I enjoyed the aperitif but I can’t wait to sit down at the table.
In the spiritual component (what I consider to be my relationship with God)
First of all, death is not the fruit of sin, nor the work of evil, it is a component of the evolutionary process followed by creation, the work of God. Just as we can only assume our “self”, we can only assume our death. That is to say, being aware of who we are (a mortal being), thinking about our own improvement, our vocation and trying to act in this direction.
Just as cremation itself is not an act against God, suicide is not inherently a sin. Just as it is desirable to accept the doctor’s offer of healing because God’s work takes place through him, so, in certain circumstances, we can see God’s work taking place through hand of the suicidal.
[Jesus by going to Jerusalem knew that he was risking his life (as say the gospels). All he had to do was not go there to stay alive. He is on the verge (inclusive) of assisted suicide, refusing to be saved.]
In the three attributes/functions of the Christian (priest, king, prophet), I think I have the dominance of the latter. This is why I thought I would end my days in the desert. When I asked a work colleague where to go between Chihuahua (Juarez), Oaxaca and Chiapas (place of activity of the International Peace Brigades), I didn’t knew that Juarez was in the desert (I only knew its reputation ). When he told me Chihuahua I wasn’t very enthusiastic. But for me now, I see it as a sign that it is time for me to go to my (adopted) Father. After writing my last rantings, I would have fulfilled my mission and I would be entitled to a well-deserved rest.
In the physical component
This is the biggest unknown. Twice I thought I was going to die. The first (a car accident, broken steering key) I regretted not seeing my life go by (and for good reason, I wasn’t going to die). The second, one night, my breathing capacity was slowly decreasing, I thought my lungs were filling with water (in fact my first and only asthma attack) and that I was going to die in my sleep. Both times I was calm, but killing yourself must be something else. No idea if I will succeed.
The ideal:
It is certain that the ideal would be a “green sun” style centre (an old film) where we can carry out all the procedures (last will, death certificate, notice to institutions, etc.), help (non-medical) for a assisted suicide, possible medical organ harvesting for donors…
I wouldn’t even mind being transformed into food (on the other hand, I wouldn’t want to know that I ate some).
It is interesting that at a time when we can seriously think about immortality (by genome editing, if the information is true), we are debating assisted suicide.
The planning :
It is not definitive but serves as a guide for me. For example, I am not going to have my teeth scaled even if it would be necessary, I no longer make purchases to improve my living conditions…
Obviously this decision probably does not make sense for vocations adapted styles such as living as a family, a couple or in a community… This is not an example to follow, it is a decision taken for a very specific case.
How to live it for you:
I believe that those around a suicidal person feel a lot of guilt (too much) and only see the time they have lost by the interruption of their life.
In my case and the case of misfits it is the opposite. Like the unstable of other levels of complexity (take the image of the onion) such as the positron, very large atoms etc. our lifespan is generally short (almost by definition). I thought I wouldn’t exceed thirty years and I believe that we can take that as a basis.
When we transplant an organ to a person, at his death we do not think of the years that the transplant was not able to allow them but of those that they gained. The same for me, and I thank you for the wonderful 25 years that you have allowed me to live, by your love and all the forms of its expression. This is not a failure but a real performance that only the time has normally put an end to.
Imagine a fish living among birds (and not knowing that it is a fish, a bit like in “Ice Age II”). As he doesn’t know anything else, he will clumsily imitate the others. But flying will not be a pleasure but a vain effort (which others will absolutely not be able to understand)… Until the day he understand that he is a fish destined for aquatic life (which would be an ordeal for his feathered entourage). And you would like to prevent the fish from going into the water?